no method to the madness // riyuji @ dw

It never stops getting frustrating having to deal with parents who "want you to be independent". Quotation marks because that's really all it is. Something that they say but never really mean. Time and time again, they've told me that they want me to become more independent, that I'm old enough to make my own decisions. Thing is, I never feel that way because I'm seldom given an actual choice.

Take for example, this stupid summer class. They told me in the beginning that hey, we'll let you take the class but you have to be the one to discipline yourself. And I really was planning to. Only to find out that they were taking away my PS3, TV and internet privileges. And that's just the most recent incident that I could think of. Don't doubt for a second that there hasn't been more.

I'm twenty freaking four, parents. I may still be living under your roof but, dear god, please stop treating me like I'm twelve. It's not funny.

It would be nice to actually have a choice for once.

I cried today.

It's not something I do very often. I honestly find no shame in crying every once in a while, especially when it feels like a huge burden is lifted off your shoulders afterwards. But today... it wasn't one of those times.

Today I was tired, stressed, exasperated. Today I felt like I was used, stepped upon, and thrown aside, forgotten. Today, I was really close to slaughtering my thesismate. Figuratively. Though it's a little scary how I wished it were literal instead.

2012 has not been a good year to me overall, and I had hoped beyond hope that I could maybe finish the year by accomplishing one feat that I have been striving for for so long. To finally say good bye to paper writing and tackle my thesis for the very last time. To give my parents a good Christmas where I don't disappoint them with news of failures in school. But those expectations may not be met before the year rolls to an end.

By some amazing feat, my thesismate has manage to smash my dreams by driving an 18-wheeler right into it. Our thesis was done, we had passed. That's all good and swell. There were missing deliverables and we'd passed the deadline. Still passable. And then they decide that it was okay not to pass it at the very last minute without my consent.

...Yeah. Genius. I know.

In all honestly, I've never really liked that particular thesismate of mine. He's always acted like an idiot and I often wonder if he has even an iota of common sense in that tiny brain of his. But never in my wildest dreams did I ever think he was capable of fucking up so hard that it would lead me to failure when I was so close to the finish line.

I had left school, trusting them to pass the paper. How can they mess that up, right? And I continue thinking this for another hour as I drive on home. That is until I receive a text from our adviser asking what had happened to us. By the time I'd arrived home I had found out about the current state of out thesis and I could no longer fight back the tears. All the frustration and stress from today poured out like a waterfall and there was no stopping it. Especially because the finish line was within my grasp. I would've much rather that we failed due to missing deliverables than failing because they decided it was a good move not to pass a single thing at all. I cannot afford to extend another semester and it made me wonder just what have I ever done to them to deserve this kind of treatment.

I know it's the holiday season, and I'm supposed to be celebrating, but this year just looks so bleak to me... I wish I could be enjoying myself with other things because I'm just so sick and tired of being sad.