no method to the madness // riyuji @ dw

Okay, you know what? This journal needs some happier posts.

In exactly three days time I'm going to be free. Free from my stupid school, free from my summer class, and just... fucking free, man. I've been stuck in the academe for 21 years of my life. Three years of pre-school, seven years of elementary, four years of high school and another seven years of college. It'll be the first time in a damn long time that I wouldn't be studying. I mean, I can't even remember the last time I wasn't in school and it wasn't summer or Christmas break because I was probably 2 or 3 back then.

Just... wow. The thought of it is refreshing. And I'm really excited for it.

Of course, I'd become a N.E.E.T. afterwards but I don't really care right now. I'm not going to hop on the work bandwagon immediately too. I think I deserve a break. Just a little bit because I've been going to college for seven years non-stop. I'd always told my parents that I needed a break but they never allowed me to take one. Now that it's almost over, I will take that break. While I don't have a solid plan just yet, I don't plan on looking for work until July at the earliest. I've been asking around but I haven't made any promises yet and I've yet to add my internship experience to my resume, too, so there's still time to laze a little.

At the same time, I'm really scared of the outcome of this class. I'm not scared of graduating, not in the least. I'm just scared because this is my seventh take for this class and my average is just above passing. I can't slip up on my last exam and the finals coming up. I really can't, especially because this is my last chance. It's really going to be go big or go home at this point. I've studied for it and I will continue studying until the end but there's still that fear, nibbling at me. I'm trying to push it aside and it's working for now. Hopefully it stays that way.

It's so close, guys. So close.

Upon waking from my nap last night, I received a call from one of my friends. He invited me and my sister to join him and a few others at a bar just walking distance from our place. Even if it's a school night for Nat, I told her to come along and we both made our way there.

It was nice seeing him again as well as the others who were around. I don't really hang out with them all that often and I go to bars even less so it was kind of a double whammy, I suppose. I don't think my mom was too happy with the idea, leaving without really telling her or pop but hey, neither of them was home and I at least informed the maids of our whereabouts. And I texted her. Not my fault she doesn't check her phone. Pop seemed to be okay with it when I texted him too just so he knew.

Anyways, we all hung out, shared stories, had food. Good times. But there was something I noticed while hanging out with everyone again after so long. I think, despite all of them being pretty much the same people I knew in grade school, high school and a bit of college, they've all actually matured to a certain extent. It's as if they've actually reached their adult stage and maturity. I, on the other hand, seem to be stuck in late high school to early college stage. It's not because they have finished college while I'm still stuck moaning and groaning about it though. And it's not that I mind how I am in the very least though. In fact, I can honestly say I love how I am right now. My personality, my looks, whatever little knowledge I claim I may have, I'm cool with it.

I guess I'm bringing this up because these friends of mine all feel leagues away at certain times. They're all working to a certain extent, they're all in relationships, that kind of thing. And then you look at me. I'd like to think I'm social enough. I love talking to people and making new friends but there are a few social norms that I forgo because of some choices I've made for myself.

Take relationships for example. I actually have a really close friend who many people ask whether were together... our reaction to anytime that question is brought up? We snort. Why? Because neither of us see each other that way. We're just really close. For me, I'm not looking for a relationship. I'm just not interested in finding someone that I want to be with in the future, not yet. I like where I am. I like being single. Being in a relationship, being with someone requires a certain amount of responsibility and maturity to make it work well. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I do not believe that I am that responsible or mature yet, whether it be psychologically, mentally, emotionally or financially. When I do end up with someone, I just want to do it right as much as I possibly can. Sure I think I'll find someone eventually but until then, I'll just enjoy where I am. I suppose it also helps that I'm a firm believer of "if it will happen, then it will happen", as well as "live in the moment". Also I promised myself that I wouldn't really think about relationships until I've at least finished college. I do have crushes on people every once in a while... more like once in a blue moon (the last one was ages ago), but nothing more than that.

Another thing was how Mike, the friend who invited me, kept coercing me to drink. I don't drink at all. This is a choice I've made for myself since high school. They keep telling me I should but I don't think I'm missing out on much. I don't want to regret things in the morning. If it's any consolation to them, at least they could get wasted and they'll always have a designated driver, right? He said he'll probably see me actually intake alcohol only when I get married. Who knows. Maybe he's right.

And the smoke. Oh god, the smoke. As I said on my plurk last night, I love my friends but I hate their smoking habits. God, I could smell the smoke on me on the way home. Another thing that I am never going to do, tyvm. Honestly, the smoke had nothing to do with where I was going. It just bothered me a bit last night. XD

With all their habits and their experiences, they may seem leagues away... Thing is, I don't really mind. I like taking it easy, I like where I am. I don't know what I want to do when I finally finish college at the end of the year and I doubt I'll pursue a career in computer tech or programming but I'm okay with that. I'm not thinking about a relationship or vices or the future too seriously and that's fine by me. I don't like the idea of comparing myself with other people because in the end, I'm not them. They get to live their life and I get to live my own. I get to stumble along with my decisions and they get to stumble along with theirs.

I guess what I'm trying to say is life is one hell of a ride and it's different for everyone.

...It's amazing how this one image of an empty room can bring tears to my eyes. Has it really been a good two years since I've last stepped into this place? It's just supposed to be a LAN shop, right? Some place to cool down from the long tiring class hours, somewhere to hang out with friends and maybe play a game or two, an establishment that didn't discriminate between regulars and new comers alike. That's exactly what Hobbymania was. It was all that and so much more.

Hobbymania, or Hobby as me and my friends called it, was literally a hole in the wall that was recommended to me one time over carpool. I had gone to check it out and after my first visit, I fell in love with the place. It was small, narrow and not exactly the most inviting place when the competitors in the area could offer so much more. But I didn't give a damn about that. The environment was inviting despite the loud shouts from various Call of Duty games, or the shrieks of players having a round of Left for Dead, or maybe even the squeals of joy coming from those who played UNO at the board game tables. Soon enough, I had dragged the rest of the gang to tag along. Jeriel, Jeremy, Sean, Alvin, Gean and myself, back then when we were all still complete.

We all varied with our games, sometimes choosing to go with a round of Team Fortress 2 or a campaign on Left 4 Dead 2. Hell, we even spend a good chunk of our time testing out one of the four shelves of boardgames the place had to offer. It wasn't long until we became regulars, even earning a title of sorts for our little gang. Betrayal Bunch or something like that, on the count of our constant games of Betrayal at House on Haunted Hill. We'd all grab lunch close by, bring it up to Hobby and play for hours.

The owners even knew each one of us by name, and we theirs. We had all befriended them and even asked for stupid favors. I had even brought popcorn this one time and popped it in the store's microwave. Everyone complained to me but it was well worth it.

But now Hobbymania is no more. And it's not just the store with its computers, board games, or regulars. Jeriel hasn't made contact with us in almost two years now, Alvin transfered out to another school, as did Gean. Sean had migrated to the states and although we still chat, it's not the same as seeing him three to four times in a week. Jeremy's still around but I can't help but miss everyone too. And the shop as well. Gone, gone, gone.

It was a good escape. It was all in good fun.

And god dammit, I miss those fun times and all the memories that came with it.

I even miss that stupid Nosferatu poster they had hung up in the toilet. It may have been creepy as hell but it always, always got a laugh out of me.